Stopping The Spiral.

Okay, for real… it’s been a loooooong time.

By now we are all well into the COVID pandemic and still trying to understand it. This pandemic has been the perfect storm for almost everything. What happens when you take a person and isolate them, while making everything hard to access…. and probably take money from them as well….? Chaos… chaos is what happens.

So, I’m not terribly different from many others who struggled to stay safe while balancing sanity.

I had a weak moment in therapy and started to spiral down. I think we all have seen the spiral, especially if we look back. We see what happened and how bad it got, but we don’t know how we got there. I noticed a few things as my spiral happened, and maybe some of it will help you see yours, or be able to articulate that it is happening.

First — what do I mean by spiral? I mean those times when you get irrational, drop everything and cling to the ED. For me, I try to cancel all treatment appointments and do everything possible to use my eating disorder to “help” me. Panic sets in and you don’t know what else to do to make it go away. Let’s be honest, the ONLY thing that works fast is the eating disorder. If we are honest, we also know that isn’t sustainable.

Is this you? Have you done the same thing?

This week I had to reflect on my spiral and how it happened. What were my red flags that said it was going to happen? Have you ever thought about what your red flags might be?

I figured out a few things that were my red flags. I’ll list mine here and hopefully it can jog your memory for possible red flags of your own.

1. Panic. I realized that I felt a lot of new panic in many situations. I would panic about something and the ED thoughts got louder.
   
2. Therapy was too hard. I said this several times a session for a few weeks leading into the spiral. I was making progress, but it was progress on hard things I had to deal with. I probably said “this is too hard” at least 5 times in each session with my therapist and dietician.
   
3. I hated food. I didn’t just dislike food… now I HATED it. I looked at it and only felt anger for it.
   
4. A rational moment. I had a short rational moment where I knew this was bad. I knew it was going nowhere good and that it was a struggle. I knew I should reach out, but I didn’t.
   
5. I canceled it all. I didn’t just cancel the appointments for the week. I cancelled them all! I tried to fire my treatment team and just dive into the eating disorder.

So, what did I learn coming out on the other side of that spiral? To reach out. It’s incredibly hard to ask for help and to be vulnerable enough to say something. I KNOW the eating disorder will fight me on it, but I also know what recovery looks like. In that small rational moment, I will now ask for help. I will text, call, email or say aloud …. “I need help. This got too big.” I have made a promise to myself that I will fight for ME in that moment.

Think about what fighting for “ME” sounds like for you.

What Are You Afraid Of?

I used to be afraid at night. Afraid of the dark. Afraid that just beyond the point my eyesight allowed me to see that there was something lurking. Afraid that the darkness itself would somehow surround me and swallow me up…as if darkness were anything more than simply the absence of light.

I used to be afraid of tomorrow. Afraid that who I was would continually dictate who I am, and that who I would be might be someone who I didn’t like very much at all…as though there was no such thing as being made new.

I used to be afraid of opinions. Afraid that though words would not break my bones, they certainly would shatter my dreams…as though I started doing this for the approval of many, rather than the glory of One.

I used to be afraid of failure. Afraid of losing. Afraid of falling. Afraid of being wrong, creating busts, and looking absolutely stupid, because who am I to think that I could ever actually make a difference? As if those setbacks were anything more than the laying down of stepping stones on the path to success.

I used to be afraid.  Used to.

But then I did a little research.  And by that, I mean I re-searched, and I re-searched, and I re-searched, over and over again, and through all of my re-searching, I kept coming up with the same exact question:

What room does fear have?

What room does fear have when I cling to TRUST? What room does fear have when I lean on HOPE? What room does fear have when I search for something more, when I discover and realize what’s good, and when I stand in AWE? When I run with PERSEVERANCE, when I walk by FAITH, and when I rest in COMFORT. What room does fear have when I sing with PRAISE, when I take hold of INSPIRATION, explore the POSSIBILITIES, and step into FREEDOM? What room does fear have when I discover STRENGTH, EMBRACE COURAGE, REMEMBER PEACE, DECLARE TRUTH, CHOOSE JOY, EXPERIENCE LIFE and CONQUER DEATH? What room does fear have when I find perfection in the one place I never thought to look? In weakness, when I’m saved by the most unlikely of heroes. By grace, when I’m invited into a relationship more loving and intimate than I could ever imagine, as a child of God.

I’ll ask you again: what room does fear have when I step out of the darkness, and I bask in the light? When I let the past be the past and the future has no limit. When they can talk all they want, but their opinion doesn’t matter! And when failure is nothing more and nothing less than the road by which I walk my path to success.

I’ll ask you one last time: what room does fear have when in His Word, He tells me three hundred and sixty-five times DO. NOT. BE. AFRAID. As if I needed to hear that every single day. And as if that’s how many times I needed to hear it before I finally believed it.

What room does fear have when I make room for LOVE?

What are you afraid of? 

 

-Jon Jorgenson

 

Here is the video if you want to watch him speak it.

Motivation

There are days where you get knocked down by one thing after another. You forget your lunch at home and you know your dogs already ate it, so there is no use in turning around (it’s happened). Or maybe all the hard work you put in on a project at work gets overlooked, leaving you feeling stranded and unseen. But if you really think about it, you are in control of your choices and they are ultimately yours. As we go through life making our choice, strong, motivational quotes from powerful people can give you a new outlook. Here are 14 that will challenge you to be the best you can be. These can apply to any aspect of life… from recovery… to a new job… to trials we face!

1. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. — Maya Angelou
2. Destiny is a name often given in retrospect to choices that had dramatic consequences. — J.K. Rowling
3. The question isn’t who’s going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me. — Ayn Rand
4. I didn’t get there by wishing for it or hoping for it, but by working for it. — Estée Lauder
5. Power’s not given to you. You have to take it. — Beyoncé
6. I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done. — Lucille Ball
7. If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one. — Dolly Parton
8. You can’t give up! If you give up, you’re like everybody else. — Chris Evert
9. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make. — Jane Goodall
10. I choose to make the rest of my life the best of my life. — Louise Hay
    
11. If you don’t like being a doormat then get off the floor. — Al-Anon
12. Drama is very important in life: You have to come on with a bang. You never want to go out with a whimper. — Julia Child
    
13. Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim. — Nora Ephron
14. A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That’s why they don’t get what they want. — Madonna