Tough realizations aren’t fun! They aren’t fun because they change what you thought for so long and it makes you question what you may have believed. Sometimes realizations can be great and can lead us down great roads and to wonderful things… but sometimes they can also tell us things we don’t want to hear! Yesterday was just that; a tough realization! I have come to the realization that it’s my fault, and only my fault, that I am
Let me break this down. I’m in the “angry stage” of my eating disorder where I’ve gone through quite a bit of weight restoration and fighting the ED thoughts are sometimes tough. Saying it bluntly – it sucks! As I’m in this “angry stage,” I’ve come to find that I’m not particularly happy with my treatment team at times. In fact, through this process, I have broken up with just about each one of them, more than once. I have sent the break up emails and then had to talk it out with my therapist and try to rekindle the fire with them (talk about humbling yourself!). In “rekindling” the fire, I’ve had to make cards to send because Hallmark doesn’t make cards that say, “I’m sorry I broke up with you for making me fat, I would like to say sorry, can we hug it out?” Here is an example of my “sorry I broke up with you” card. I hope Beth doesn’t mind me sharing…. She’ll probably never know, right? 🙂
I’m finding that it’s easy to blame others for things that upset us. I won’t hide it or beat around the bush…. I still hate eating. It’s, by far, easier than it has ever been, but I still hate it. I hate forcing the meal plan and I hate the feelings that come with eating food. So, when I hate eating the food, it is so easy to blame someone else! Who, you ask?? How about my dietitian, Beth and my medical provider, Lisa. It’s easy to blame them because they are the food police! Lisa is a tough one – she will lay it all out there and tell you flat out that you need to follow your meal plan because X, Y and Z will happen and she and I are very blunt with each other (it’s appreciated and necessary). Beth is super nice, but still the food police. So, all this eating that I have to do is awful! I hate every second of it…. and now, pesky feelings are coming with it…. OH NO, NOT THOSE!…. So, what do you do when you are doing something you hate (that is strongly suggested by another person), and getting feelings you don’t like, and getting physical results you hate? You blame the ones who strongly suggested it (in my case, the dietitian and medical provider!)
I’ve been playing the blame game for quite some time! It’s the easy way out! I’m mad at Beth and Lisa for making me fat and my therapist is an accomplice because she is on their side! I had to have a family session with Mike so he can better understand this disorder and how to help, and not go crazy with my crazy self (haha). Well, as I explained my “angry stage” scenario, and that I’m mad at my team for making me
fat healthy, the therapist said, “and you didn’t do that yourself?”……. In my head I thought, “That bitch just called me out! She just called out the obvious and told me that I made MYSELF fat!” After I was done being mad about it….. I had the tough realization that it’s the truth! I am the only one responsible for my recovery and the only one who can restore my weight and feed myself. Beth and Lisa can’t force feed me, they can only encourage me to make the right choice, and they do that very well. I make the choice to put the food in my mouth, they don’t. That is the hard truth that we don’t want to hear! When I find myself faced with a meal that I don’t want to eat, it is so easy to struggle through it and hate the food police instead of trying to explore other feelings that might be involved.
So, where does one go from here?? I have no clue…. What I do know is that it might be too big to chew on right now (haha… pun intended!). I do know that blaming myself for getting fat isn’t working because it made me skip most of my dinner last night, but blaming Beth and Lisa (whether they like it or not) works. They can handle it. I’m not the only one blaming them, I’m sure of it! I can’t be the only ED client walking in saying, “I hate your meal plan” and “I’m sick of you making me fat.” ….. Before, when I wasn’t eating sitting walking into treatment I said “I can’t eat because of the ED thoughts” and I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own will power. My therapist and Beth continued to say “can’t or won’t?”… they were right… I could eat if I had to, but I was hiding behind the control of the eating disorder. I was blaming the fact that I was scared to eat on the eating disorder! I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own health. I wasn’t ready to. With eating disorders, you feel controlled and like you can’t do eat. You feel powerless and like it is the worst thing in the world to do, which is why it’s so easy to say you “can’t” and not that you “won’t”…. for so long I really believed that I couldn’t eat.
So, sure… I may be in “denial” a right now, and I have some work to do, but if blaming them is keeping me on the meal plan, then I’m going to do it. With eating disorders you have a massive amount of things to work on. You’re working on food, your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, relationships, control, body image, balance, health etc…. (to name just a few)…. I’ll worry about perfecting responsibility later! So, I’m going to pick and choose my battles right now, and I choose to not fight this one just yet. Sorry, Beth and Lisa…. Rationally, I know it’s not your fault….but…. right now, it still is!
So to close this…. What role do realizations play in your life? When they happen, do you see it and does it make you step back and want to make a change? Do you find yourself blaming others? Do you realize you do that? Do you take responsibility for you choices in life, or do you hide behind others because you don’t want to make the choices that you need to make? Did you ever place blame on others to continue making the right choice (like staying on a meal plan)?