Okay, Hello everyone!!!:)
I have been busy, but I will tell you what – I’m still working hard and trucking along!!! 🙂
Things have been a little interesting, to say the least. I am a strong (almost) 4 full weeks in on my meal plan and its going well! It’s going exceptionally well (well, if I say “exceptionally” that means just better than well because nothing is perfect)! I never thought I would admit this, and I will never tell my treatment team that I am admitting this (don’t you dare tell them either), but the they were right! Ah, I said it!
When I started this whole process, the weight gain seemed so hard. It seemed like the most terrible thing in the world. I wanted to cry and scream thinking about it and I thought my therapist was the worst therapist in the world for every making it seem so easy. When she shipped me off to skinny camp, I cried. She said that was the easy part and the hard part would be when I got back. YEAH RIGHT!!! I hated sitting through all of those meals and dealing withthe awful physical feelings of fullness! Those were many terrible months of mylife! Looking back now, she was right. I would do that again any day than have to be in this position! The weight restoration part of recovery is so easy compared to weight maintenance and looking for new coping, and just dealing with life!!!!!!!!
Let’s just call it like we see it — coping sucks! We are so used to our easy way of control and coping through the use of food (in one way, shape or form). Now that we are eliminating that factor, it sucks! I have decided to retire from anorexia so I don’t have that coping skill at all!!!!(And it was one skill I was damn good at!). When we are in recovery we are in a form of a tug-of-war with the eating disorder. We feel we need it at times and other times we want to let it go. As we release, we get scared and pull it back. But, there does come a time when we say, “that’s it, I’m just done with this.”
I’m done. I’m over this disorder. I know it’s not doing anything for me, but I don’t know exactly where to go from here. I’m working on that and I hate that it’s “work” to figure it out. Because I always have everything “in control” I am used to knowing what has happened, what is planned and what should happen. When you let go of the disorder, essentially, you surrender to life and allowing life to happen. When you allow life to happen, you can only control how you react to what goes on around you, and in those cases, your reaction is hopefully healthy.
So, where do we go from here? Well, we have to find new coping skills!! I’m still digging out of this fullness hole, and to do that, I’m knitting! Hello, I’m an old lady! 🙂 It works for now. It takes my mind off my stomach and gets me past the awful first part. I literally knit everywhere I can. I know I have to eat before coaching a game so I make a joke of it and do that! Here is a picture of me coping with some unexpected dinner at a game that was 1.5 hours away with a 2-hour thunderstorm delay.
We decided to take ridiculous pictures making it look like we were all “working hard.” Nobody has a clue why I’m knitting, my team just thinks it’s so funny and it actually helped me take my mind off all of the frustration.
I’m not sure where I’ll go after this, but I do know it takes a heck of a lot of positive self-talk. This one is hard. Here is what I do:
Negative self-talk happens, and there isn’t much we can do to stop it, but we can fight it. In order to do that, we have to change the way we think. We have to engage in positive self-talk. We have to find a way to turn our thoughts around to something more positive. When the negative thought comes into our head, we understand it and immediately know that it is wrong and replace it with something positive.
Often, I hear the negative thought, I know I don’t want to engage in it so I immediately disagree with it. I say something in direct disagreement with whatever the thought was about. It’s working so far. It’s keeping me on this meal plan and keeping me moving forward.
Working hard at something like this can wear you down…. and fast! It’s really important to regroup and refocus. Make short-term goals and find small accomplishments. This is hard to do, and hard to stick to, but it’s not impossible.
How do you change your way of thinking?