Happy Anniversary!!!! 🙂
1 year! 1 full year! 365 full days!
Most people celebrate one year of a relationship or a birth, but not me! I’m celebrating one year of a decision…. Truthfully, one of the best decisions I’ve made in such a long time!
It’s official! It’s been 1 full year! It’s been 1 year since I’ve weighed myself or known my weight. This has to be the longest that I’ve EVER gone without knowing my weight!
Last year when I first came out of skinny camp I wasn’t sure I could stop weighing myself. I wasn’t sure I could stop knowing my weight either. I felt the need to know and watch it climb and I was sure I would “feel better” if I watched it get to goal weight. That was not the case. Sitting in the treatment facility, I made a deal with the doctor that I would stop weighing myself and start with blind weights. It was hard. Very hard. I’m not going to lie….. it was TERRIBLE!!!! I cried daily for the first week and felt like I was rapidly gaining (I wasn’t). When I finally got past that shock, I was okay.
One week went by and I was still alive. One month went by and I was still making it. The second month was tough, but I did it. When I hit month four, I was proud and I couldn’t wait for month 6 because I felt like it was an even number. At 6 months I felt like I couldn’t wait for a year because 1 year really means something big. I know every day is big, but this is something huge (pun intended). I’ve never gone a full year in my life without knowing my weight!
After, it was easier to continue moving toward goal weight. I didn’t freak out and focus on the number and I wasn’t obsessing about a number. I could no longer think about how to bring a number lower and plan to where it should be. I just knew that I was trying to get healthy. I had to let my dietitian and doctor take control of the number and it was the best thing I could have done. Truthfully, it was a relief to no longer know my weight! I was thankful to no longer have to worry about having to focus on that number. I had so many other things that I was working on and I was allowed to give that one away. It is now my focus to worry about the food portion, and they can worry about the number. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have days when I am weak and just want to know the number so badly, but I’ve managed to hold on strong and not allow myself to know it. I knew how upset I would be if I did weigh myself because this 1 year mark was my goal.
I don’t know where I’ll go from here, but I do know that I’ll keep going forward. This is hard, but I know it’s what I want. I know the good thing about all of this is that I keep thinking to myself that I really think this is going to work this time. I know they say there are little ups and downs in recovery and the road looks like this:
I feel like I’m starting to level out more. Now, that doesn’t mean I’m recovered by any means!!! That’s the biggest misconception!!! It just means that I can force myself to follow the meal plan much better than I could 1.5 years ago! I can sit down and force the meal plan just about 100% and still work toward fixing why the eating disorder happened. I can work hard to maintain goal weight and not try to lose weight. And when I get the urge to want to lose weight, I can recognize that it’s not healthy and that it will do nothing for me.
So, just because I have hit some of these great marks in recovery, I am sadly nowhere near finished. I like to believe I am, but I know there is still so much hard work ahead. I’m reminded daily of that when the eating disorder thoughts pop into my head.
My therapy sessions have me moving forward quite well, and I truly believe that I’ll be one of those people who will beat this, and I also hope to see it happen in the near future, but all I can really do is wait and work. I can say I’m really sick and tired of this. I’m sick and tired of doing this and having this disorder — good thing or not? I don’t know…. But I do want this process to go faster. Each recovery point I get to I think it’s the worse…. and after I pass it, I realize it wasn’t all that bad – Never-the-less, it still sucks.
I understand and respect when people say “recovery takes time” ….. but I’m so over this! I need a fast forward button so I can get the move on. I wish it were that easy.
You learn you can do your best when it’s hard, even when you’re tired and maybe hurting a little bit. It feels good to show some courage.
Do you have any long-term goals that you have reached? Or wish to reach?