I have played field hockey for much of my teenage/adult life. I love the sport. If there is something I will always try to do, it is that and running. To me, the sport symbolizes so much more than the game – it’s strength and feminism all wrapped in one. When I’m not playing the game myself, I coach the sport. I realized tonight during a hockey game that my team was a parallel for my recovery….
This season has been a struggle! I’m taking on a team that hasn’t won more than 1 game in 4 years and I’m turning it around. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this, so I know the drill. It’s something I’ve done before, so I know what to do and how to work it, but it does take a lot of effort.
Starting over is hard. It’s hard because people have to realize my coaching style, my rules and what is acceptable and what is not. It was tough at first. The girls went from a coach who didn’t care or expect much to me – who lives and breathes hockey and has high expectations. Tough combination!
Our season has been successful – we have won 3 games so far (more than they have in 7 years) and scored many goals, but our problem is that our girls give up. They have moments of weakness and they give up for a period of time. They just accept defeat and they allow whatever to happen, to happen. The problem with this is in those moments of “defeat” and “weakness” and “giving up” they end up losing the game! They let down for minutes at a time and end up letting goals get scored against them. Field hockey is not a high scoring game (3 goals in a game is a lot), but in those moments of weakness my girls will allow 3 goals at a time!!! One after another! It’s so awful to watch!
This “giving up” period of time each game has happened over and over. I reached my breaking point with it and finally reamed my team out for it. I basically told them that they have to be willing to fight when they are tired and it hurts the most if they want to win. They have to stop feeling sorry for themselves when they are fatigued and push through and want pride more. They have to see what they want and keep going when it’s tough and they want to quit. They have to work harder when they want to give up.
As I was talking to them I realized that I am in my own 6 minute period. I am stuck needing to revise my meal plan to fit my new busy schedule. I am stuck needing to discuss a few things. I am stuck needing to express a few things and I am stuck needing to take care of a few things. I’m not doing any of it because I’m allowing Ed to keep me in my little “pity party” world of how hard recovery is. Duh, recovery is hard! If it were easy, everyone would do it the first time perfectly!!!! So, I’m realizing that I need to suck it up and stop being a whiner baby and dig deep if I really want this. I have to find a way to regroup and beat the eating disorder thoughts and know what I really want because obviously it’s not working when I stick with the eating disorder.
In realizing that this game was a parallel to recovery I have also realized that even though I feel like I’m firmly grounded in recovery, I have to know that I’m not planted by any means. My momentary slip could have been something scary really fast. Although it was only for a few short days and it was only a few items here and there, the eating disorder thoughts that accompanied the choices were horrendous. Just like my team, in a matter of seconds, I could have been down by a lot, which could have ended in a very bad place.
I have to learn to ask for help. This is not in my nature, but it’s something that I need to do and it’s a goal that I have now. This could have been a slip like before, but it wasn’t. I feel lucky this time, but I might not be next time. I can work to ask for help because I might not be able to save myself every time. If I’m honest with myself, I can’t ask for more in life.
Keep on keepin on!!!
(I just realized how tired I look! I need sleep! haha)
Have you made any realizations like this??? Tough to deal with?