This One’s A Fighter

This One’s A Fighter

This week is about to be a busy one. I chose not to do too much work this weekend and now I’m freaking out a little. I am planning on some shopping, when I should do work, but choices are choices, right? 🙂 But, once Friday hits, my life slows down and things will be fun!!!! 🙂

So, on a chilly day after a therapy session, what is there a better thing to do? Go to Starbucks, get a nice hot coffee (oh so yum!) and get a challenging muffin to make up for the fact that I was going to skip breakfast and kick the crap out of Ed to prove that I am in control of myself and this eating disorder.

In our lives, we cannot directly choose our circumstances that we are faced with, but we can choose our thoughts. So, indirectly, we can shape our circumstances based off our thoughts and how we react to them. We have our own choices. We can choose to fight or give up.

The Fighter – Gym Class Heroes

Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life ’til we’re dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they’ll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That’s what they’ll say to me, say to me, say to me,
This one’s a fighter

Sometimes it’s hard to see yourself as a fighter. It’s always easy to see the mistakes we make and not notice the progress and the movements forward. As we are moving, society is so focused on noticing on our failures, not on our successes! It’s so true in so many instances:

In jobs, you are often told about the mistakes you made, but not of how great you are doing so often. In school, we get papers back that tell us what we have done wrong, but not what we have done right. Growing up as a kid, we are told what we do wrong, more than right because we learn from error.

It’s hard to hear all of this negative feedback all the time and not take it personally all the time. The difference between a person who breaks and one who doesn’t is a person who has intrinsic motivation. These are the people who have motivation within their self to want more and to do more and to go forward. I noticed this with my field hockey team, and I noticed it with myself – you can get the negative feedback, and take it, and then move on with life – it can make you or break you – it’s all about how you look at the situation.

In therapy, I’m trying to look at a past situation and see myself as a fighter. It’s hard, but not impossible. I can see myself as a person who gave up, or I can see myself as a fighter. I have chosen for so long to see myself as a person who gave up, but taking a different perspective can change the entire view of it all. Looking at the situation and myself as a fighter slightly alters the course of the story. Do I fully believe 100% that I’m a “fighter” in the situation? No, not entirely, but that is only because for so long I have convinced myself that I’m not a fighter. I told myself for so long that I gave up. It is all in how you look at situations. You mold it based on how you look at it.

If you tell yourself over and over that you are a failure and not a fighter, you will believe it; it becomes to the truth to you. I did it for so long. I’m not, by any means, saying that I am convinced that I was a fighter then, but I know I’m a fighter now. How could I not be? I went from being so sick in skinny camp to where I am now, and I know that takes a fighter! I know I’m pulling up some things in therapy that I don’t want to talk about and I’m still adhering to the meal plan, and that takes a fighter. I hate Beth’s meal plan, but I’m following it – that takes a fighter.

“I can accept failure because everyone fails at something, but I can’t accept not trying” – Michael Jordan

You see, we all have choices in life. Sometimes we feel like we don’t, but we do. We can choose to look at situations however we choose. Often, I think we are temporarily blinded by events in our life, and we forget that there are choices, but when the dust settles, the choices will still be there – we just have to take a moment to look for them. We always have the choice to fight or give up. We have the option to take a situation and use it as an excuse, or learn from it.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at   the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.””–       Mary Anne Radmacher

 

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

–       Mary Anne Radmacher

You can choose to fight or give up. Either way, whatever choice you make, you have to own it. If you choose to give up and run back to old habits, or not seek help, or stay in a bad way, then that is your choice, but you don’t have a right to complain about it. We can all change anything we want, it just takes work. Nothing is impossible! Anything is possible with a little (or a lot) of work. It reminds me of those who complain about the president. I always ask if they voted, and often they will say “no”…. well, if you didn’t vote, then shut the hell up! If you voted, complain away…. But, I can choose not to listen. 🙂

When we choose not to fight for ourselves we basically say, “I’m not worthy enough to be happy.” A statement like that can destroy a person. We are all worthy of more than anyone can imagine.

You learn you can do your best when it’s hard, even when you’re tired and maybe hurting a little bit. It feels good to show some courage.
 –Joe Namath

So, how does one put this in action??? This answer will suck, but it’s the hard truth (and that’s all that I give because that’s all that my treatment team gives me – by force, mind you): You have to do it yourself. You have to tell yourself over and over that you are a fighter and that you are worth it. The world is not here to pick you up and hug you and give you kisses. The world keeps going when you are sick. The world is not going to be able to fill you with love for yourself. Somewhere Ed has convinced you to hate yourself, but you can take it back. The only way to do so is to fight Ed by following the meal plan and repeating “truths” to yourself every day. The truths feel like lies, but they eventually/slowly become more like the truth. The long process unfolds very, very, very, very slowly (mine still is). You have to fight for yourself. You have to put the work in for yourself. Nobody can do it for you. Nobody can make you love yourself. Nobody can fix your past demons that blocked what is missing. You have to stand up, dust yourself off, say that you’re sick of the shit Ed is feeding you (or not…hahaha…pun intended), and say that you are ready for your life. It will not come to you. You will want it to come to you, but it won’t. You have to sit at every meal and repeat that you deserve to eat, and that you are worthy and that you are not fat and that you will be happier. You will only be free when you want to be free and with your own intrinsic motivation. Nobody can save you from this, except for yourself. And the hard work doesn’t end after one day – one week – one month – one year…. to truly be free…. It goes one for a while, but as free as I’m starting to get, it’s fucking worth it so far! Let’s not sugar coat this people – this is years of fighting at times. (Trust me, I ask my therapist at each session!). It might be a long time, but it’s worth it. So, what’s your choice – to fight or give up?

If you don’t fight for anything, then what are you doing with your life?  Find something you are passionate about and fight for it.

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