Derailed

 

Sometimes the smallest things can derail you. It’s tough because you may not see it happening and when it happens, and you realize it, it’s frustrating and you feel like a failure. Just because you’re slightly derailed doesn’t mean you’re a failure or finished… it just means you might have to find your way back on track.

I’ve been slightly derailed. I must say, I hate going to medical appointments. I haven’t known my weight in over a year (Holla!!), but I’m still caught up in asking is my weight up or down. My heart sinks when I hear it’s “up slightly” (maybe by just tenths) and I find myself secretly happy when it’s down a little. I’ve learned that weight fluctuation like that is normal, but for me, it should always be down (or so says the eating disorder). So, I think my new goal is to give up asking if it’s up or down. That is going to be a tough one!!!!! I am not so sure I’m there yet!

Well, I heard for another appointment in a row It’s slightly up. This is where the eating disorder took over. All rationality went out the window and eating disordered Rachel stepped up to the plate for about a week. In part of the discussion with my medical provider I mentioned that I was still on a running meal plan and that I wasn’t running because my dietitian said I had to be because I wasn’t gaining on it. My medical provider said, “Well, if you don’t like it, maybe you should get off the running meal plan, or start running.” A simple comment like that translated into this entire paragraph:

“Hey fatty – you’re on a running meal plan and you’re not running so you better get your ass moving or you’re going to turn into a fat ass more than you are now. You have to stop eating so much because you’re gaining too much weight! Now, you need to start exercising because you’re no longer strong enough to be the best anorexic. Stop eating food fatty!”

Now, did my medical provider actually say this? No, she didn’t. She said nothing near this. She was trying to help me find a solution because I couldn’t reach my dietitian recently. The eating disorder has a way of creeping in and turning things upside down when you’re stressed. Welp…. It did just that. For about a week, I was off the meal plan, working hard to lose weight, restricting and sending hate mail to every person on my treatment team.  By now, they are very used to “fuck you” emails and they welcome them with open arms! J

I realized today that I can become derailed and that’s okay. Sometimes we falter. We are not all perfect and we can never be. We all make mistakes. If we didn’t make mistakes we wouldn’t learn. Truthfully, if we all did everything perfectly, there would be no learning in this world. What I have to do is take what happens and make a learning experience out of it. I can let the events happen and continue to stay derailed, or I can say, “I see that I’m derailed, I don’t want to be here, and I need to fix this, how do I do that?” …. And then I have to follow through with it.

I got so caught up in how I felt about my body that the hard work I had done didn’t matter anymore! I have worked for a long time in recovery. If we just count when I got sent away to skinny camp it’s 1.5 years, but I count before that …. So let’s say close to 3 years…. This moment of panic about my body had me so upset that 3 years of amazingly hard work meant nothing. I have to realize that mistakes happen in life and I will learn to see them as a chance to see something better about myself. I’m trying to see it as a humorous moment in life.

So, I was off my meal plan for a damn long time and I realized fast that it was a bad idea… I just can’t do it! Playa can’t play the game! NO LIE! I can’t do what I used to do! I’ve said this before, but here it is again…. I am that old football player who refuses to retire!! Brett Favre, Jerome Bettis, Rachel Williams – I am refusing to retire from anorexia, but I gotta! Good lord was I not handling restricting well!!!

So, let’s just state it how it is…. I fucked up… that’s the truth…. but it’s not the end of the post. Just because I made a mistake and I followed one thought that derailed me, doesn’t mean I can’t change it. We always have a choice. We can always make a choice. We are not born into anything and we are not forced into anything. These thoughts don’t MAKE us do it; we choose to do it. We make excuses and blame the eating disorder, but it is US who is making the choice to eat or not. We are the only ones who can control what happens. I know I want rid of anorexia so badly and if I worked my ass off to gain 30lbs and keep it on, then I might as well reap the benefits of it and be happy in the end.

Keep in mind that we all make mistakes. We are all human. Making mistakes is how we learn. If you make a mistake, just pick yourself up and start over. It’s as easy as that.

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