I’ve come to the realization that this disorder is so fucking annoying! I’m so over it, but it creeps back up when I least expect it! It comes out of nowhere like a ninja and slaps me in the face faster than I can blink and I’m down before I can throw up a defense.
I hit a slide again…. Surprise, surprise! (sarcasm doesn’t help, I know). It’s so annoying because I know I promised that I wouldn’t do this again, but it seemed as if there were no other options. I preach about how we have choices, but in certain moments (that luckily don’t last very long) it felt as if there weren’t many choices.
I had a medical appointment and I was upset that my doctor told me my weight was slightly up. I asked why it keeps going up (we’re talking tenths here) and we talked about the fact that I’m on a running meal plan, but I’m not running. I wasn’t gaining on it so my dietitian kept me on it. One comment threw me into a tail-spin! My doctor said, “either get off the running plan or you need to start running.” We don’t need to talk about what that translated to. In my head, she called me a fatty and told me to start running (which isn’t true). So, this comment of telling me I need to eat on a lesser meal plan threw me for a loop – and by loop, I mean down a hill and rolling fast.
I know what I’m doing is wrong. I know better than to do this. I know this isn’t the right thing to do. Why can’t I just stop doing this? I know it’s easier said than done. I know that it’s not about the food and it’s about the “feelings” (oh, I hate that word). I have started to realize and connect that I’m attaching the calming effect of restricting to the want to get rid of negative feelings. I see it happening, I know it’s not right, I know I need to change it, but it is just plain hard.
It’s not about the food – if it were about the food, I would be over it by now. The problem is, when things get tough and I accidently miss a few meals and I remember how great it feels to miss those meals, it floods back. If it were about the food, that wouldn’t be able to happen. These choices to restrict are an indicator that something is off. Something isn’t working correctly and when I thought recovery was going smoothly, or I was too comfortable, I was wrong. Somehow, I dropped the ball and it started rolling down the hill fast and I have to find a way to stop it.
I find that I’m beating myself up for the fact that I’m restricting and planning how much weight to lose and how I’m going to do it. I know I’ll get nowhere if I keep doing that. Once I reach that goal, what will I be left with? Nothing. I’ll still have the same situation just several pounds lighter. So, instead of beating myself up over falling back into this pattern I do have a choice. I can accept that I’ve slipped. It is what it is. I can use this as a learning tool and say, “Okay, this is where I’m at, and that is okay, I can move on from here.”
I’ll now have to make a goal:
I know that this is not about the food. Each time I’m thinking about restricting, I will think about why that is so important. What is going on that is making restricting food the most important thing to do at that time? Why do I have avoid meals right now? What is bothering me and making me want to miss my meals? If I can answer those questions, I can see what is happening behind the food. The food will come once I can restore what’s happening behind it.
This is a long and complicated process that sometimes feels like it’s not going to end. Right now, it seems like it won’t end, but I know it will. This is one of those times when you have to hold strong to your faith and say, “this too shall pass” even when it feels like it won’t.
So, this is the time when you pick yourself back up and you stand strong. You stop looking for reasons to continue your behavior and you decide what is important to you. You make the choice and you stick to it. You stick to it even when it’s hard and when you’re crying and you don’t want to. You stick to it because you have to.
“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”