Sometimes we have to go on blind faith. I was in church the other week and I think I realized that I have to begin to trust again. I have gone so long trying to protect myself from trusting, that I have filtered everything that I think about. I have found that at some point you have to trust and give yourself the chance to know and understand what is right. You can’t always filter everything. My pastor at church said “God loves you the way you are, but he refuses to leave you that way.” We are always growing and learning and we have to respect that we will always do that.
We all have the ability to choose and we all have free will. We can do what we want with that free will that we possess. We can choose to see things in a beautiful light, if we want to. Another message that my pastor brought was that we live in fear. We are surrounded by messages that help us living in fear. We have messages of scarcity, and we are always preparing for the “what if” to happen. We spend so much time thinking about the “what if” situations, that we forget that we have a life and moments in front of us right now. When we always live in the “what if” thinking, we are always living in the fear of what could happen – it leaves us powerless and frozen. By being stuck there, we allow our dominate emotion that runs our life to be fear. That dominate emotion is what will drive all of our decisions and lead us where we are going. This is what I did for so long – for too long.
A lot happened this week. One of my best friend’s lost her mother and many things were put in perspective. We are not here forever. We are here for a limited amount of time, and while we are here, we can do some amazing things, or we can be miserable. My friend wasn’t ready or prepared to deal with this, but she is strong and staying true to her own feelings. She is not living in the “what if” world and being worried about what could happen if she does/says certain things. She is doing what she knows is best for her, her amazing daughter, and the memory of her mother. The more we are true to ourselves, the better chance we have to live without fear.
Living in fear shortens our existence – if we can push away the fear, we can entertain the beauty of joy. I’ve learned a lot this week…. Some of which I would rather not know, but I’m glad I know it. As this week went on I had an email exchange with my therapist and dietitian and I mentioned that I needed to be on a weight loss plan and that I needed their help. The appreciated and blunt response was that my mind was racing, I am reacting to many events happening and that my body will continue to fight any attempts of weight loss. As much as I didn’t want to hear this, it’s all very true. I have found that it doesn’t matter what I do, the eating disorder is never enough. Even worse, my body knows what I did to it, and it’s refusing to lose weight. It has endured a lot of abuse, and it won’t let me go back to where I was.
So, now that I have learned many things – in short, ED doesn’t help me cope, nor does alcohol and crying seems to work (I’ll never admit that to my therapist!), I have to decide what to do with them. I will have to trust the professionals and follow them on blind faith because I have nothing left. I trust that God will help me make the right choice, and the feeling says to trust and try to let go. I’ve worked so hard to not let go, and now my only option is to just let go. I’ve always trusted my therapist and she has no reason to ever lie, so now it’s time to just stop questioning and just do it. Sometimes you may need to regroup, but you can always move forward.
When you feel like you’re drowning in life – don’t worry, your Lifeguard walks on water.