Ripping off the band aid.
We all know what that’s like…. It has to be done…. But we don’t want to do it. So how do we do it? It’s simple… we stare at it, think about it… grab an end and take deep breaths. Sometimes we flinch and think we are going to rip, but we don’t – we just chicken out, but we know we are going to do it. We hold the skin tight around it and take more deep breaths until we build the courage to say, “screw it, the anxiety is too much, I just have to do it!” and then we just rip!! Once we rip it off, the initial pain is terrible, but it goes away. All that build up for that tiny little moment!!! But sometimes it does feel that bad! 🙂
That’s what I’m doing – ripping off the band aid…. And it is stressful!
I’m moving up! I’m starting to see a new dietitian. I need more frequent appointments because food is just a bit of a stress. I’m ready to be over this, so I’m ready to hit this head on. I have a new meal plan and it is a doozie!!!!! If I want to get out of refeeding, and get my metabolism where it has to be, then I have to do what she says…. Well, my oh my, this is going to be hard! It’s going to be hard, but not impossible. I have a feeling this will be filled with meals full of crying and after meals full of knitting. I did this once before, and I know I can do it again. There is one thing that important to me, and that is getting out of this eating disorder world. I don’t want to be a part of being scared or full of anxiety. I want to have fun and enjoy what I’m eating and time with my friends.
I’m thinking back to the blog that was sent to me as I’m reading it daily. I say I’m terrified of gaining weight, but I’m not – I want that part to be over. I want my metabolism to be stabilized so I can sit and feel rested that I’m not going to gain anymore. I want to put this behind me more than anything. I know that if weight gain has to happen, it’s meant to happen. I don’t like knowing that, but I believe it. I will find a way to accept the way my body wants to look because I will not spend my entire life trying to force it to be where it can’t sustain. That is not happiness. I know there is going to be a day when I am okay with my body, and I’m okay with the skin that I’m in. The bull shit that everyone says that you’ll never love your body…. no way… I call bull shit on that. I’m not okay with living all of my life hating something that I’ll be in while here on earth. I will work to remind myself that this is just a casing for the amazing person that I am. So, for people out there who think they will never be okay with their body – I’m so sorry you feel that way because there is so much freedom and relief in knowing that you damn well will achieve happiness with your body. I know I’m working toward something that will happen. I’m not a friggin hamster in a wheel!
So, where does one go from here? Well, you have to “rip off the band aid”. It’s time to just do it. It’s time to just look at the meal plan, follow it, and say “screw it”! It takes crying through meals, and being pissed at the eating disorder and finishing the meal because pride is more important than giving up. I have to remember that no one is going to make this happen for me. It is my job to get up every day and work toward the things that have the deepest meaning in my heart… it’s my job to find pride in this journey rather than wish I were already done with it.
Everything happens for a reason. What’s supposed to happen will happen… if things don’t go your way, it can be stressful, painful, and hard, but you don’t always have to be in control. It’s all a part of the grand scheme of things. Don’t let your emotions cloud your vision. Don’t ever fail to see the bigger picture. You may not understand why things are happening the way they are, but soon enough you’ll know. This is something that I try to remember. Recovery doesn’t always go the way we think it will, or the way we want it to. Often, I have to remember that I need to be willing to understand that everything does happen for a reason.
Welp, here we go, new meal plan!!!! 🙂
At the end of the day, you can focus on what’s tearing you apart, or what’s holding you together.