Time

There are many things that are spent and refilled in life. There are many things that we can work to refill as well. If we lose our money, we can work to replenish it. If we lose our faith, we can work to restore it. If we lose our value of something, we can learn to regain it. So often, when something is lost, we are able to find it again. The one thing that is lost that cannot be reclaimed is time.

Once time is lost, we can’t get it back. We aren’t able to turn back time, although we all wish we could at times. So often we spend our time doing things that may not have as much value in our lives. I have found that when we do that, we are filled with regret. Once time is lost, it can’t be found again.

As I go through recovery, I have found that my time has been used quite poorly. I have found that I have been looking at things and using my time not to better myself, but to create destructive behaviors. I have spent so much unnecessary time focusing on food and my body. The time spent thinking about all of the negative thoughts can’t come be replaced. The negative energy spent and expelled can’t be replaced either.

As I have been walking through recovery, I have started to “get my time back”. When I say “get it back” I mean that I am using it in more positive manners. I have found that life can amazing when we use our time in positive ways! Before I entered treatment, my time was all focused on food, calories, weight, the disorder and how to hide the disorder from those around me. I didn’t realize how consumed my life was. I didn’t realize how much I wasn’t living. I didn’t realize that I was getting by. I thought I was working hard and “living the life” by keeping a steady low weight and working hard on my “fitness” and staying in control. Really, I was being controlled.

As I’ve been able to get my time back I’ve seen that I can do so many more things that I like. I have found that I am able to enjoy what is around me and I’m not filled with anxiety about who will find out about the disorder, or how I’ll get out of food and eating. Time is valuable and precious and I don’t think we realize it until we don’t have much of it left. To Americans, time is money. We are so willing to trade our time for money and overtime work while sometimes foregoing time spent with our families. I am seeing that there is no replacing time. Time goes on and the world goes on and if we don’t stop to enjoy the moments we are in, things will pass us by. We will miss things and moments that could be meaningful.

I choose not to live my life in a blur. I choose to live intentionally and for happiness. I realize now how much time has been lost to the eating disorder and I will not allow it to happen anymore. I don’t want to spend my life just going through the motions and living around everything. Making the choice to live intentionally is a tough one because the only way I can do so is to walk through the tough parts of the eating disorder and come out and through to the end. The only way to get all of my time back is to invest in recovery, so that is what I’m doing. As much as I hate it at times, as much as I want to cry at times, and as much as I can’t stand my meal plan at times, recovery seems to be the only option.

Thinking about the time spent being “sick” is just terrible and sad. Thinking about the time spent thinking about negative thoughts is even worse. I want my time to matter now. Can you imagine what we can accomplish when we have such positive energy? Can you imagine what we can accomplish when we use our time wisely? Can you imagine how happy we can be when we fill our time with positive thoughts? We can control how we feel based on how we fill our time! It’s all our choice. I don’t want to look back and wish I had done something differently.

mountain

Something to think about….. how do you spend your time?

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One thought on “Time

  1. I needed to read this Rachel. Thanks so much. Lately I feel like I’ve been wasting time like I used to when I was consumed by the demons of Ana. The other day I tried to stay in the moment and cherish every minute. At the end of the day I felt so much better as opposed to when I obsess or just go through the motions.

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