There comes a time in recovery when the old things just don’t work anymore. I try to see this as a good thing, but it’s hard to do that. As I grew from phase to phase in recovery it became harder and harder to get past moments. At the start of skinny camp, we got coping skills – listening to music, knitting etc. Even talking about the skills seemed so confusing to my starved brain (literally). As I became healthier, they all started to make more sense. Games and crafts/activities to take away from the eating disorder and the frustration of gaining
There comes a point when the small things don’t work anymore – isn’t that so true in life? The knitting and word games and forced ignoring just doesn’t do the trick. There is that one point in recovery that seems the hardest. For me, it is now… the point where I always turn and run. The point where I can’t seem to make progress.
At this point in recovery – it feels like nothing will work. It’s such new territory that you need something bigger and better to make it work and to survive. Breathing, music, tv, knitting etc. – it just doesn’t cut it. This is the true turning point of recovery. It’s the point where you have to persevere. It’s the point where you have to get over the hump for the down-hill of the process.
My therapist said it well… every person needs an anchor. We need something to anchor us to the ground when things feel hard and too much to bear. Everyone needs something to believe and trust as truth. For me, my anchor has become my faith.
Nothing was working… I felt like I was on a hamster wheel and I couldn’t get out of the place I was in. I realized that the only thing that can push me through fear and keep me from running backwards is my faith. The only distraction I can find now is reading the Word. Now, I’m not talking “Bible thumping” here. 🙂 (had to say that). What I’m talking about is finding a new relationship with the higher power. Believing that there is a greater purpose to what I’m going through and that even when I feel alone, finding a way to bring myself back to the simple place and understand that God is there.
So, putting it truthfully, what’s working? Reading devotionals and understanding what is behind recovery and how it plays a role in teaching me more about myself. So many of the devotional passages that I have been reading involve the understanding of patience [patience is what I DON’T have]. It is understanding that trials have to happen and that we have to have faith and trust in God that we will get through it… and even sometimes… the sooner we find that trust and understanding, the faster we will get through it. I have to stop being mad at the eating disorder and find a way to accept that it has happened to me and I can learn from it. With an understanding of what is happening, I can begin to love my family more and more.
For a long time I always knew that God was there and there for me, but I don’t think I relied on Him for much. I hoped he would help me, and I wanted the anchor, but it never seemed to work and that is because I never fully trusted it. I am not finding that the more I read, the more I’m learning about myself and I can see growth. Instead of trying to “overcome” this… I will use it to teach me.
I am learning so much about who I am and what I can handle through this disorder and recovery. As I read to increase my faith, I can see that there is so much to learn from this eating disorder. I can see that my recovery can teach me about kindness, patience, perseverance, faith, and trust (to name a few).
I think everyone needs some type of anchor in any type of recovery. Whether that anchor is faith or another person … there has to be something to go back to. Without it, we will just flounder in what feels like a huge ocean. So whether it’s a person who can ground you in the intense moments in your life, or if it is a higher power/belief of some sort – there has to be an anchor. So… think about it for just a moment…. what is your anchor?