You have to fight for yourself.
I didn’t think of things this way, but it makes sense. The question, “do you want to align yourself as a person with an ED or as an athlete?” has irritated me from the first second my dietitian asked me (let’s be honest, I still hate hearing that). The question had a purpose, and it was served.
I got into a fight with my psychologist. Well, she probably doesn’t call it a fight, but I was sure mad at her. I’m sure she would describe it as “a deeper discussion with strong feelings ” or something nice and smartsy like that. Let’s be real, she made me mad, made me want to scream and I wanted to run out of her office and never go back (dramatic, right?).
“Prove to me how you are not one of them” is what she said. She wanted me to prove that I’m not one of those stuck-in-it-eating-disordered-people. I had to defend my way out of a possible suggestion of a higher level of care! (This is where the fight started – “oh no she didn’t!”).
I was just finished explaining how hard this is. Let’s not beat around the bush – this entire process is hard and it sucks! It’s hard, tiring, trying, defeating and there are times when it feels impossible. I have been at that point; the point of asking “when will this get any easier?”. I’ve been tired of this fight for a while now. Several appointments leading up to this seemed to go the same way – me saying how hard this is and how I can’t do it anymore, and the treatment team letting me work through it.
“Prove to me how you are not one of them” – you know, those people stuck in the disorder and needing a higher level of care.
She wanted the fight….. so it was on – and I was mad about it too. I was mad that she made me defend myself and that she was essentially calling me something that I’m not (stuck-in-it-eating-disordered-person). I fought my way out of where I was when I was so sick, so I don’t want the label of being back there.
There was a point to what she was doing, but I didn’t see it. I fought for myself. I defended myself instead of defending the ED and why I needed it. I fought for myself instead of explaining how I was defeated by the eating disorder. I fought for where I was and how I didn’t need a higher level of care instead of falling to the ED. I fought to for how far I’ve come instead of how far I feel I’m falling down. I fought for what I didn’t want to be. I fought for me. I stopped fighting against the eating disorder and I started fighting for myself. There is a huge difference in the two. Fighting the eating disorder is hard – it’s constant and it’s a struggle. Each victory when you fight against the eating disorder leaves you a little tired. Fighting for yourself and what you deserve is different. Each victory means more strength and momentum because the focus is on you and not the eating disorder.
I think we can get caught up in troubling situations very easily. When you are trying to recover from an eating disorder there are very tough moments and those moments will try you. As things get tough, our determination and will decides how we react. When the going gets tough we have to starting thinking about whether we will fight the eating disorder, or fight for ourselves. What we choose determines how far we go.
2 Timothy 1:7
New King James Version (NKJV)
7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.