Tag Archive | power

What Are You Afraid Of?

I used to be afraid at night. Afraid of the dark. Afraid that just beyond the point my eyesight allowed me to see that there was something lurking. Afraid that the darkness itself would somehow surround me and swallow me up…as if darkness were anything more than simply the absence of light.

I used to be afraid of tomorrow. Afraid that who I was would continually dictate who I am, and that who I would be might be someone who I didn’t like very much at all…as though there was no such thing as being made new.

I used to be afraid of opinions. Afraid that though words would not break my bones, they certainly would shatter my dreams…as though I started doing this for the approval of many, rather than the glory of One.

I used to be afraid of failure. Afraid of losing. Afraid of falling. Afraid of being wrong, creating busts, and looking absolutely stupid, because who am I to think that I could ever actually make a difference? As if those setbacks were anything more than the laying down of stepping stones on the path to success.

I used to be afraid.  Used to.

But then I did a little research.  And by that, I mean I re-searched, and I re-searched, and I re-searched, over and over again, and through all of my re-searching, I kept coming up with the same exact question:

What room does fear have?

What room does fear have when I cling to TRUST? What room does fear have when I lean on HOPE? What room does fear have when I search for something more, when I discover and realize what’s good, and when I stand in AWE? When I run with PERSEVERANCE, when I walk by FAITH, and when I rest in COMFORT. What room does fear have when I sing with PRAISE, when I take hold of INSPIRATION, explore the POSSIBILITIES, and step into FREEDOM? What room does fear have when I discover STRENGTH, EMBRACE COURAGE, REMEMBER PEACE, DECLARE TRUTH, CHOOSE JOY, EXPERIENCE LIFE and CONQUER DEATH? What room does fear have when I find perfection in the one place I never thought to look? In weakness, when I’m saved by the most unlikely of heroes. By grace, when I’m invited into a relationship more loving and intimate than I could ever imagine, as a child of God.

I’ll ask you again: what room does fear have when I step out of the darkness, and I bask in the light? When I let the past be the past and the future has no limit. When they can talk all they want, but their opinion doesn’t matter! And when failure is nothing more and nothing less than the road by which I walk my path to success.

I’ll ask you one last time: what room does fear have when in His Word, He tells me three hundred and sixty-five times DO. NOT. BE. AFRAID. As if I needed to hear that every single day. And as if that’s how many times I needed to hear it before I finally believed it.

What room does fear have when I make room for LOVE?

What are you afraid of? 

 

-Jon Jorgenson

 

Here is the video if you want to watch him speak it.

Motivation

There are days where you get knocked down by one thing after another. You forget your lunch at home and you know your dogs already ate it, so there is no use in turning around (it’s happened). Or maybe all the hard work you put in on a project at work gets overlooked, leaving you feeling stranded and unseen. But if you really think about it, you are in control of your choices and they are ultimately yours. As we go through life making our choice, strong, motivational quotes from powerful people can give you a new outlook. Here are 14 that will challenge you to be the best you can be. These can apply to any aspect of life… from recovery… to a new job… to trials we face!

  1. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. — Maya Angelou1
  2. Destiny is a name often given in retrospect to choices that had dramatic consequences. — J.K. Rowling
  3. The question isn’t who’s going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me. — Ayn Rand3
  4. I didn’t get there by wishing for it or hoping for it, but by working for it. — Estée Lauder4
  5. Power’s not given to you. You have to take it. — Beyoncé5
  6. I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done. — Lucille Ball6
  7. If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one. — Dolly Parton7
  8. You can’t give up! If you give up, you’re like everybody else. — Chris EvertRR
  9. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make. — Jane Goodall9
  10. I choose to make the rest of my life the best of my life. — Louise Haybest
  11. If you don’t like being a doormat then get off the floor. — Al-Anon11
  12. Drama is very important in life: You have to come on with a bang. You never want to go out with a whimper. — Julia Childmisty
  13. Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim. — Nora EphronRR2
  14. A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That’s why they don’t get what they want. — Madonna14

Titanium

I’m finding that sometimes it’s hard to do what we need to do to stay in the fight. I’ve had some struggles, and I think I’ve been able to find moments of fighting to defeat ED. One thing that has helped, and I’m not sure if other people do it, is having a “Screw you, ED” playlist. I use this list when I go running, driving to and from work at times and when I just need to let my mind take a break from the fight so “something/someone” else can encourage me to fight. This playlist is very specific and all songs lend itself to winning a battle or knowing how much you’re worth. I suggest making one for hard times. Feel free to comment for other people if you have ideas of good songs.

The one I’m posting here is a great example of what is helpful at times. “Titanium” is kind of a staple song of mine, and has been for a while. When you think about it in terms of the eating disorder, it really makes you want to fight it. Titanium is one of the strongest metals and if we think about how strong we can be against the ED, this song will speak volumes. The song can be accessed below as well.

 

“Titanium”

By David Guetta
(feat. Sia)

[Sia:]
You shout it out,
But I can’t hear a word you say
I’m talking loud not saying much
I’m criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

[Chorus:]
I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium

[Sia:]
Cut me down
But it’s you who’ll have further to fall
Ghost town and haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I’m talking loud not saying much

[Chorus:]
I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
I am titanium
I am titanium

[Sia:]
Stone-hard, machine gun
Firing at the ones who run
Stone-hard as bulletproof glass

[Chorus:]
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
I am titanium

Some other helpful Ed-bustin’ songs:

Adele – Set Fire to the Rain

Pink – Perfect

Katy Perry – Roar

Katy Perry – Firework

Sorry, I’m Busy

A lot of times, we have trouble using this phrase or those like it. Many times people feel guilty, useless, unhelpful, rude or like they will be perceived that they don’t care. I’m not sure about other people, but this is how I’ve felt in times.

Did you ever notice that you can say “Sorry, I’m busy” to some people, but not others? Did you also ever notice that it’s the same people asking you for things over and over again? And those people asking for help/favors seem to NEVER return them?

Now this idea applies to all areas. It applies to help at work, school, home and even with friends. It also applies to making plans with friends and dropping them. I think we can all relate to those times when we carve out time in our schedules and it seems nobody else can do the same! Or, they carve it out only to cancel at the last minute – constantly!

This is the story of my life, and I’m sure I’m not alone out there.

So often people ask for favors or help and I will be very quick to say, “sure, no problem” when it really is a problem; I just feel guilty saying “no” because it’s expected of me. I have recently stopped to think, “what am I doing? I do for others and it seems nobody does for me!”

Since I am in this “life overhaul” period I figured, why not look at all of this…. Why not just observe and see what happens. Things change when you’re no longer the one doing for others.

When you stop calling and contacting – suddenly, communication with those people is lost.

When you stop saying “yes” to everything – suddenly, communication with those people is lost.

When you stop offering to get together – suddenly communication with those people is lost.

When you stop being overly accommodating – suddenly communication with those people is lost.

Or – it goes the other way – suddenly those people are very upset with you and your new-found “no”.

I am not going to sit here and state anything like I know the answers, because I don’t. I only know from my experience that when they are upset, frustrated or disappointed in you, that will pass. After it passes, you are no longer the door mat. I also know that once you stop doing so much for others and pleasing them, you will start to feel more fulfilled. You will feel like you are living in your own experience and not just serving others.

If you aren’t “happy” to do it, then don’t do it.

*  “happy” for people pleasers is a loose term. You fake yourself out an think you are happy, but deep down you feel a bit of anxiety that if you don’t get it done they will be upset with you. This does not mean “happy to do it”…. Happy to do it means you have a true smile on your face and you feel joy out of doing it. If you’re still unclear about this idea – google the definition of “happy” and “joy” and see if that fits. Don’t lie to yourself.

 

Think about it…. where does this idea fit in your life?

To “the me” 2 years ago

inspired by another blogger.

 

To “the me” 2 years ago

 

Hey…you….sitting there with your legs and arms crossed. Let’s chat.

You don’t know it yet, but the shit storm is about to hit.

You’re about to feel broken.  Repeatedly.

But I promise you, it will be okay.

No.  Really.

Sure, you’re pissed that you’re sitting here in this facility unsure of what’s going on.  You look around at all the other girls in the room. You’re not supposed to be here, right? You’re not as sick as them, right? You are too fat to be here. You just have an “eating thing,” right?

Wrong.

I hate to be blunt, but it is an attribute that you will learn about yourself. It will become helpful in the future, but right now you’re really pissed that I’m saying this. Get over it. You need this.

Don’t think you belong here?….

You feel strong? What about you right now is strong? Is it sitting in front of 7 pretzels crying because you’re unsure how you will manage to get them down? Is that strong? Maybe your definition of strong is slightly different than mine.

Oh, so you feel in control. Really? Are you? You’re in control when you are avoiding food and over exercising….. oh, I see…. So I guess “you’re in control” when your body is so hungry you can’t stop picking up the food that is in front of you. It must be control when you’re screaming in your head to throw it down, but your body is physically disobeying you. Yeah, I guess you’re right….. you’re in control.

Take a moment to think about all the eating disorder has taken from you. Your humor, spontaneity, pleasure, running, relationships, health….. that’s just the start of the list…. You can finish it.

So, you’ve been in therapy and you’re sure this won’t work. You’ll get some anxiety meds with that therapy.  It’ll help.  It will help you crawl out of the big cloud of overwhelmedness you will feel. But you won’t need them forever.

So, your therapist told you that this is the easy part. She’s right. Sitting here and eating these meals are NOTHING compared to those damn feelings you have to feel. When she said the hard work starts when you leave this place, she was right. It will get hard.

It’ll be okay. I promise.

You will meet a treatment team who is proud of the work you do. You will hate them on a regular basis and they know that. They are okay with you hating them, because hating them means you’re doing the hard work. You will scream and cry and they will just sit with you. You will try to break up with the team, but always get back together. You know you need them. The only way out of this is with them. That will piss you off, but it’s okay. Everyone needs help with something.

Physically, this process sucks ass! Buckle up and get ready for one awful fucking ride. Things will happen to your body, and you will hate it. You will cry and you’ll be sure the weight gain will never stop. It will. One thing you need to learn is that you’ve been doing this for a long time. To be blunt, you have fucked up your body. It doesn’t trust you so it is going hay-wire.

Body image will be your downfall. You just take it a day at a time.  It’s just easier that way.

You will meet all sorts of people because of this problem, and their true selves will be revealed.  You’ll learn that some people just suck. Some people mean well but should keep their mouths shut. Some people are kind but sometimes clueless to what you’re going through.  But you’ll learn that most people, at heart, are good.  This process will help restore your faith in mankind again, and again, and again, just in how they respond to you.

You will spend the next several months wondering how you got here. I know what you’re thinking. How did I get here?  How did this happen? You kind of get used to asking that question over and over again, but at the same time, you will never get used to it.  It will be this feeling of constant surprise when you sit back and think about it.

Your therapist. She’s going to make you work. You’re going to get sick of the process on many occasions and want to quit. It’s okay to feel tired. She won’t let you quit. She will understand where you’re at, and then call you out on what you’re doing.

In the next few years you will learn to be a fighter.  You will find strength you never realized you had and overcome many fears.  You do this because not doing this is not an option.  Not doing this means you stay sick and you could possibly die. You know this is true. You’ve seen it. Look at your medical appointments, do you really think you can maintain this?

There are going to be many days when you think you can’t go on. Days when you are sure you can’t do more. But you’ll do it anyway. You have no other choice. You’ll sit and cry for a while. Once you’re done, you’ll realize that you have to go on.

You will learn to hate this disorder. You will want it away so badly that you don’t know what to do. You will wish it away and pray it away but you will come to realize, the only thing that will make it go away is the terrible work you are going though. Accepting this will make it easier.

Not everyone is as strong as you. You’ll meet others who say they want to be healthy, but their actions speak louder than their words. Stay away from them. If you connect, you will not make it.

Relapse. It’s real. You will feel that overwhelmedness and you’ll want a break from the hard work. ED seems great to go back to. That calming feeling that comes immediately when you entertain the thoughts. They’re scary with how fast they come. You have to fight them.

I can tell you right now, this process is going to be painful. There is no getting around that. I promise, promise that it will be okay.  You will survive it. It won’t feel that way in the midst of it. After many tears sitting in a room talking, it will start to feel okay.  This process will quickly go from something scary to something to be oddly grateful for.  You will realize you have hope. You’ll get really good at saying, “this too shall pass” because it will. As much as you think it won’t, it really will.

This will teach you more about yourself than you could ever imagine. I promise that. In fact, there are so many people walking around who have no idea about who they are, or what makes them happy. This will eliminate that problem for you. At the end, you’ll reach true happiness.

This place/process . It sucks, and it gets tiring. You will get frequent flyer miles at the doctor’s office, therapist and dietitian’s office.  You will collect cards of all sorts of medical professionals. You will learn which blood lab does the best and fastest blood draws. You will also know that as much as you’re dealing with, you’re grateful that is all you are dealing with.  Because there could be more, it could be worse. Your organs could have shut down on you.

You’re going to do a lot of hard things. You’re going to experience a lot of hard things. They will make you step out of your comfort zone all the time. It’ll be okay. You will get angry with what they ask you to do. It’s okay to get angry. You have the hardest job in this partnership with the treatment team. They don’t understand what you’re going through, but that’s why they can help. They can pull you back to reality.

You will find a way to ground yourself. In this, you will be forced to find your faith again. You’ll find it and when you do. When you stop being so angry at God. It will get easier. In fact you will have more and more moments of hope that you will beat this.

You will find out that there are people just like you. You’re not alone. So you’ll start your own damn support group.  It’ll be called “Who wants to go for coffee?”  It will be great.

You will learn to view yourself in a stronger light. You will stop and think about how hard this is, in the middle of the day. You will pull yourself together and not cry at work, but later on, there will be some tears.

You will find humor and make some hilarious puns about the eating disorder. Keep doing that. It makes this process easier.

You will feel so very alone with this process.  Sometimes, at home, at night, other times, in the middle of a crowd.  You will feel a cold wave of loneliness that you’re certain no one else will ever really understand. This will be the hardest thing you are going to do. You will feel like nobody is in your corner, but do you remember that treatment team? They are in your corner. You might not realize it in that anxious moment, but they are there. They are always cheering you on too.

You will feel jealousy, of other people who you think could be farther than you. You will think you’ll never get there. But you will. In fact, you’ll fancy the idea of writing a book someday.

You will write hate mail to your treatment team. You will feel terrible for doing it, but they get it. They can handle it. Keep the hate mail going.

You think the only way to deal with this is to stop yourself from crying. And you do.  You will suck it up and deal with it as best you can.  And you will do so with a smile on your face.  Because crying is never an option… right? You’ll learn that isn’t true.

You will be so proud of the little things you do. You will be proud of all the meals you have eaten in a row and you will feel elated. You will want to tell the world, but they don’t understand. Your treatment team will be just as proud. Share it all with them because it is a big deal.

You will find strength in holding yourself accountable. In those moments when you are scared and you feel yourself slipping, you will find strength to send a text or email stating that you will eat your lunch. This will empower you. You will have a hard time giving this up, but you will. Those texts and emails will take the choice of the eating disorder away. As long as you stay true to yourself, it will work.

You’re going to knit. Knit a lot of shit. In fact, you’re going to be one bad ass knitter – take pride in that.

There will be these “ah ha” moments that your therapist tells you about. Moments when you actually think you like your body. They will come. Far and few between. But they will come. They come when you least expect them – trying on jeans in Old Navy, or watching a friend run a race. Grab them. They will make you want to cry because you feel a moment of peace. It’s okay to cry. It hurts not having that. But it will come.

You will write and blog about this topic.  And in doing so, find a whole slew of people out there who say “I live in this world too” and “Thank you for writing exactly how I feel!”  Somehow, you will become a voice for others and you’ll realize that you’re completely inadequate when it comes to saying “thank you” and still are lousy at accepting compliments.  Work on that, okay?

You will discover that while you are still slightly ashamed of this eating disorder, you find yourself becoming an advocate for freedom, women’s rights and actively speaking out against the media’s pressure and those who suffer from dieting.  You will wonder more than once how you ended up on top of a soapbox.  Don’t worry, you’ll be okay up there.

You will learn that the guy you chose to marry…. He’s a great choice! That man will be the one helping you pick up the pieces when you shatter. He won’t judge you and only wants to help. Accept it.

It’s going to be the proverbial emotional roller coaster, these next few years. You’ll have moments where you’re feeling so high, only to crash back down into the reality of what this is.  In the waves of fear, the unknown, anxiety, being overwhelmed and feeling completely shattered.  Know this –

You will grow.

You will amaze yourself.

You will let go of fears.

You will cope.

You will embrace the now.

And you will never be more proud of yourself than when you conquer something in this process.

 

Hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel. When this is all said and done, you will be fucking awesome.

 

 

 

 

Assignments for life on Earth

YOUR ASSIGNMENTS FOR LIFE ON EARTH
1. You Will Receive A Body.
You may like it or not, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You Will Learn Lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lesson or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. There Are No Mistakes, Only Lessons.
Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that Ultimately “works”.
4. A Lesson Is Repeated Until It Is Learned.
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it, then you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning Lessons Does Not End.
There is no part of Life that does not contain it’s lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. “There” Is No Better Than “Here”.
When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will, again, look better than “here”.
7. Others Are Merely Mirrors Of You.
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What You Make Of Your Life Is Up To You.
You have all the tools and resources you need; what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. The Answers Lie Inside You.
The answers to life’s questions lie inside you. All you need to do is Look, Listen and Trust.
10. Whether You Think You Can Or Can’t, In Either Case You’ll Be Right.
Think About It.

A Runner’s Heart

Runners run:

to clear our heads
to pray and be with God
to train
to feel joy
to feel powerful

to lose weight
to gain muscle
to be healthy
to run away from something
to run towards something
to be challenged
to escape reality
to find reality
to get a runner’s high
to find peace

just because and so much more

marathon1I’ve been running for quite some time now. Running isn’t for everyone. I’m learning longer distance running (coming from a middle distance background) and I’m beginning to like the distance as well as earn a great respect for marathon runners.

As I was contemplating my run tonight, thoughts of the events in Boston weighed on my heart. Here I am deciding how long I want to run while others’ lives are crushed.

I continued sifting through the news to find out what had happened. The bombs that went off near the finish line at the Boston Marathon are devastating. People were rallying and prepared to search the runners’ faces to find the person they were there to cheer on. Cheering for a person at a marathon is something amazing. Really, you have nothing to do with their training, but you feel so very important the day they are completing the challenge and you are cheering them on. Runners coming in the chute, ready to celebrate with families were met with smoke and devastation. A moment of excitement and pride turned into that of fear and chaos. How could people do this? People have died, and many more are in critical condition. Many were probably married and had children. Some may have been runners themselves; others just supporters.

As I heard on the radio and received texts about the event, I realized people were asking if we knew people there, and if they were okay. What I really wanted to say was yes, we all know each other; we’re runners.  Aren’t we all connected in some way? This is a sport where you lay everything in front of you and you feel every moment of a run. Only the strong-minded can do it.

 

marathon 2Marathoners are a different breed all together. Marathoning isn’t for the weak-hearted. To be able to train running 18-20+ miles leading up to an event takes a strong mind and heart. This breed is truly special. A marathon isn’t something you do, just to say you did it. It’s something you do to prove to yourself.  Would anyone want to willingly run until toe nails fall off, chafing begins to bleed, you nearly poop your pants (let’s be real, people… it happens) and your muscles feel like they are going to give out? Yes. Some do it for that PR… when you look back at your pace and realize that you rocked that run and you still feel great. Most say: “I don’t want to.” Many claim: “There’s no way I could.” For the few who stay silent, patiently prepare, grind through the fear…the doubt…the pain; those who finish…receive the greatest reward: confidence, humility, drive, character …. and pride. Nobody can take marathon feelings from you. Nobody can take the feeling of an amazing run from you, and it’s only something that other runners understand.

If you are a runner, or a supporter of a runner it is almost a 99% guarantee that you will nod/wave/smile at each other in passing. It’s because runners share the same spirit: a runner’s heart. That heart is strong and mighty. It is what gets runners out and running in the brutal heat or in the freezing cold. It is what carries a runner in the early weekend morning hours, when most are still sleeping. And that was the strongest thread I had tying me to the people who are affected in Boston. So the truth is, yes, yes… every runner knows them.
Whether you run marathons, a 5k, a half marathon or a mile…. You’re all still connected by the same heart that drives your feet to the pavement. Running is the moment when all judgment goes away, the world stops, and you have no worries except how fast you want to go.

 

My heart goes out to the families affected by the events in Boston. Please find some time in your day to say a prayer for them.

marathon5